


I Don't Know If I'll Get Up

by magnificentbanes



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Gen, mentions of suicide and suicidal tendencies throughout
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 20:20:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17987897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnificentbanes/pseuds/magnificentbanes
Summary: Jace needs someone to talk to before he loses control





	I Don't Know If I'll Get Up

**Author's Note:**

> i just have a lot of feelings about jace

Jace felt wrong. He didn’t feel at home in his own body, like he was a tourist in a foreign country where he didn’t know the language. He  _ knew  _ that what had happened these past few weeks (or was it months? Jace had a difficult time keeping track of time) wasn’t his fault - it was the Owl’s, Lilith’s. But a small part of him also knew that if he had been stronger, a better fighter, had been able to keep Lilith out of his head none of this would have happened. If Clary hadn’t used the wish to bring him back to life…

Clary.

If Jace had been stronger, better,  _ dead _ then Clary would still be alive.

But, no. He couldn’t think like that - Alec had told him as much. Clary was gone and Jace was still here and he had to make the best of it.

He paced his room, eyes continually drifting over to the dagger he kept next to his bed, mind racing. If he died, it would be a disgrace to Clary’s memory. It would mean that everyone who had sacrificed for him would have done it for nothing. Alec would feel the pain of his death for the rest of his life. But if he was dead, then no one would have to worry about him anymore. They could go on with their lives without having to deal with the shell of a person Jace had become.

It was definitely tempting.

Jace shook his head. He needed to get out of here.

His first instinct was to go to Alec’s room, where he had gone every time he’d had a nightmare since he was ten. But he’d made it halfway down the hall when he remembered that Alec all but lived with Magnus now - he wouldn’t be in his room.

Well, that was okay, Jace could use a walk.

At least, that’s what he thought until he actually started walking towards Magnus’s apartment and was left alone in his own head, which seemed hellbent on destroying him from the inside out. By the time he got to the apartment building, he was shaking and by the time he knocked on the door to Magnus’s penthouse, he was sure he was going to collapse.

It was Magnus who answered the door and he was still dressed, despite the fact that it was nearing two in the morning. “Oh, hello, Jace.”

“Hey, Magnus. Is, um, is Alec here? If he’s sleeping, that’s fine I can come back later. I just. I really need…” he trailed off, not knowing what he needed.

He needed to talk to Alec.

He needed to take back everything the Owl did.

He needed Clary.

He needed to close his eyes and never open them again.

“Jace, are you okay?”

“No.” He was tired of lying.

Magnus ushered him into the apartment and made him sit on the couch. Jace sunk into it, completely drained, even though every nerve in his body felt like it was on fire.

“Alec isn’t here,” Magnus said, sitting in the chair across from Jace. “Something happened at the Institute.”

And no one had told Jace. Good to know no one trusted him anymore.

“Okay. That’s fine. I’ll just talk to him later.” He made to get up but Magnus stopped him.

“I’m not letting you go anywhere in this state.”

“I don’t want to bother you.”

“You aren’t bothering me. Besides,” he added with a wry smile, “I think it’s time for me to admit that I’m not getting any sleep tonight.”

“Why? What’s wrong?”

Magnus shook his head. “I’m not the one who walked halfway across town in the middle of the night. Tell me what’s going on, Jace.”

Jace hesitated. In all the months that Alec and Magnus had been together, Jace had very rarely been alone with Magnus. The only time he could remember was when he’d given Magnus that awful “hurt him and I kill you” speech. He didn’t know Magnus very well, but he knew that Alec trusted him and Alec didn’t trust many people.

“I don’t know. I have all these memories that aren’t mine and they’re  _ bad  _ memories. I hurt so many people, I hurt  _ Clary _ , and I don’t know. I just feel like… like…”

“Like a stranger in your own body.”

Jace looked up at Magnus, whose eyes were filled with centuries of knowledge and pain. “How did you know?”

“Because I feel the same way. Without my magic, I feel like-”

“Like you don’t fit in your skin?”

“Exactly.”

They sat in silence for so long, Jace had to say something to break it. “Magnus, about your magic.”

“Don’t you dare apologize to me, Jace Herondale. The deal I made with my father was my choice and if I had to make it again, I wouldn’t do anything different.”

“But why? You and I, we hardly know each other. Why did you trade away your magic for me?”

“Because you’re Alec’s parabatai, his family. You’re important to him and anything that’s important to him is important to me.” A pause, then, “You’re more loved than you know, Jace.”

Jace didn’t feel very loved. He felt like a burden, an outcast, someone on the outside looking into the life he used to fit. “Thank you,” he said, to exhausted to continue talking.

Magnus looked at him like he knew that there was more on Jace’s mind, but he didn’t push him. “You can sleep in my spare room tonight.”

“I don’t want-”

“Jace, if someone is offering you something, just assume you aren’t bothering them, okay?” Jace felt himself smile but it was too strained and faded too fast. “Go, try and get some sleep. I’ll be here if you need me.”

Jace stood. “Thank you, Magnus.” He didn’t know exactly what he was thanking him for - for listening to him, for saving him from Lilith, for loving Alec - but it just felt right to say.

“I’ve been where you’ve been. Feeling so hopeless that you feel like there’s nowhere to turn, but know this: There’s always going to be someone in your corner willing to help, even if it doesn’t feel like it.”

Jace just nodded, not trusting his voice, and walked away towards the spare room. He fell into the bed and closed his eyes, waiting for the nightmares.

For once, they didn’t come.

When Jace woke the next morning, he felt better than he had in way too long. He just lay there, staring at the ceiling, knowing this good mood would soon pass, not wanting to disturb it.

Someone knocked on the door and pushed it open as Jace sat himself up. “Hey, Jace. Magnus told me you slept here last night.”

“Yeah, I hope that’s okay.”

Alec sat on the edge of the bed, not touching Jace, but close enough for Jace to feel reassured. Alec had always been the one to ground Jace and right now, he felt like he needed him more than ever. “Of course it’s okay. Listen, Jace, I’m always going to be here for you. Magnus and Izzy and Mom and everyone else, too. We aren’t going to abandon you just because you’re going through a hard time. I just hope you know that.”

“Yeah, I do. Thanks, Alec.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I’m your brother, it’s my job to take care of you.” Jace smiled but, again, it felt wrong. “You want some breakfast?”

“Actually, yeah, that’d be great.” Jace wasn’t sure of that last time he ate and he was starving.

As he sat with Alec and Magnus, eating food made by Alec that was surprisingly edible, Jace felt calm. He knew that he still had issues he needed to work through and that he still had to process Clary’s death and a million other things, but for now he could pretend that everything was okay.

Maybe one day it would be.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr: magnificentbane!


End file.
